1) The Safe Driving Award
You safely navigated a piece of heavy machinery at varying, often high, speeds for an extended period of time, and you did not hit anything. This alone is something the cave men would be impressed with – and further still, you did it while entertaining questions, breaking up fights, and encouraging silence from the tiny passengers. You’re a champion of safety and you got the people from point A to point B like it was the easiest thing in the world.
2) The Clean Dishes Award
Your dishwasher, which was full at the beginning of the day, is now empty. Pre-kids? Nbd. Throw in a two-year-old “helper” and it’s a different and often dangerous game. The first thing she will reach for will be the single sharpest knife you own, followed by your most delicate wine glasses. She’ll try to toss the dirty dishes in with clean ones and drip smoothie on everything in the lower rack. The door will be shut and opened multiple times, with the “on” button pressed even though it was not asked to be. Nevertheless, you persisted and put each plate and bowl away so carefully where it belongs in all of the designated places in your cabinets. What, you proceeded to load the dishwasher with the next batch of dirty dishes? While your helpers ran amuck around you? You’re blowing my mind.
3) The Deep-Breathing-Through-The-Spill Award
You saw it coming a mile away: your little one begging to drink their orange juice out of a big cup and promising to stay seated at the table. And then while you were doing something else like nursing another child, the inevitable happened. You watched helplessly while their entire glass of orange juice rained down onto your carpet and just sat there soaking into a sticky puddle that your child chose to slosh in for the next ten minutes while you continued to breathe through it and feed the baby because there was nothing you could do about it. A true zen master, you are.
4) The Craftsy Award
You planned some sort of creative thing for your children to occupy themselves with at some point in their young lives. Of course this deserves an award – you think ‘70s-era moms were putting their cigarettes down long enough to make homemade slime with nontoxic dye? And then supervising them while doing it with a smile on their faces? You are really putting that education background to the test. Wait, you have zero training in childhood education? You’re just whipping these skills out like it’s nothing? Teach us your ways.
5) The Bedtime Award
Like Vanessa Williams, we went and saved the best for last. You put on your big girl panties and you hunkered down and got the thing done. The jammies were flying and the toothpaste was squirting and diapers were tossed and there were books and songs and blankies and lovies and pacis and what felt like three hours was actually only eighteen minutes. You’ve never felt so alive and needed and able to reach the highs and lows of your emotional capacity in such a short period of time. You are truly a remarkable human being whose patience knows no limits. Go ahead and treat yourself to a Gogurt and maybe a stale graham cracker or two. Because tomorrow there are more awards to be won and you’re gonna need your game face on, momma.